Dear X,
Twelve years have gone by. I remember telling you that I thought it was the last time we would ever see each other. We were saying goodbye and you couldn't wait to say hello again. Only I knew there would be no more goodbyes, or hellos for that matter. I still don't know how or why I knew that it was ending. I just did... And out of that ending were born so many new beginnings. I just didn't know back then.
I thought life would go on without you and just the way I had imagined it to be. I didn't see the road blocks ahead. That long, debilitating illness. An entire year of being bed-ridden. The career coming to a grinding halt, then picking up again at a slower pace and in a different direction. Finally, the sudden plunge into the mundane. A life I had never imagined to be mine. It was, in fact, the life I imagined with you. It was why I ran away, why I pushed you away. Ironic, isn't it? You jump off a bridge only to flow downstream again.
I was happy at first, elated, overjoyed, ecstatic. Then a lucid complacency set in and finally gave way to a false sense of calm. I thought about you often. I still do. Not about us and what we appeared to share, just you and the seemingly mysterious ties that still bind me to you. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that those ties are just wrapped around me and it's still only me they entangle. You are there, belonging partly to my history, partly to my idealogy, and to not even a bit of my imagination.
I remember first telling you about him. About how he was my dream come true and how he would give me everything I ever wanted. You told me never to speak about him to you. You said he was the one part of my life you didn't want to know about. Everything else was important to you. I was still important to you. All of me, except the part about him. I said it wasn't possible because he was my entire life, he was everything there was to me, everything and beyond.
Looking back now, I still wouldn't change a thing. I'd be lying to myself if I did. But I lost you in the bargain and for that I have only myself to blame. I know where you are now, I can connect to you in a heartbeat. That's not something I'm about to do though. For all the right reasons. The moment went by as we went under the bridge. These moments never come back again and just as well. But the things I have to say to you still remain in my heart.
You loved me more than anyone else ever did and so much more than I deserved. I didn't love you at all. It was just the idea of that kind of love - powerful and ethereal - that drew me to you. Magic exists even for a non-believer, above and beyond, around and within. When I left you I knew I hadn't found my soulmate yet, I knew he was hanging around someplace waiting for me to bump into him. And I was right. I still maintain that. After everything that's happened and everything that's still to come. I know I was right.
Twelve years ago was really the last time we would ever meet. But I don't think I could carry on for the rest of my life without telling you how I feel. If it wasn't for you dear X, I would have never fallen in love and given my all. I would have never known how it felt to belong, truly belong to someone else. I would have never known certainty or discovered fragility. I would have never known true heartbreak and sorrow. If it wasn't for you, I would have never known betrayal and mistrust. I would have never experienced helplessness and despair. Dear Dear X, if it wasn't for you I never would have cried. From the warm cocoon of your love to the vast cold sea of indifference, it was a life well lived and a journey well spent. I'm sure you would agree, even if a little grudgingly. Thank you for believing.
From,
The Girl You Once Loved and the Woman Who Still Thinks About You
